"IT'S ME AGAIN, AND I'M BACK."

I THOUGHT I LOOKED BAD IN THIS PICTURE.  Didn't like my skin, my hair; thought I was wrinkled.

Well.

I look a lot more tired and stressed out now, I think.  I was talking to a new friend of mine about starting an online magazine.  Then I remembered blogspot.  Then I remembered #friendsofmalachimaxwellglass.

I have to say, the previous post is a gut-wrenching read.  No wonder I'm looking sadder.  I'm feeling wiser, without a doubt.  As much as I'd been through when I took that selphy with my brand new phone, there was plenty more to come.  More heartache, more disappointment, more persevering.

I really grieved the loss of my dog.  It was raining, and I'd made her stay outside, to please someone who was never there.  The toll it took is clear to me in this picture.  You never know when a decision is really a bad one when you are making it.  Everyone has to get older, but the unhappiness that has settled into my countenance is unacceptable to me.  The dogs I have now are deeply loved, but I never will stop missing my Lily.  I don't think of her every day anymore, just most days.

And then there is what happens when you are forced to realize that you are doing all the heavy lifting in a relationship.  You're in love all by yourself!  It was the biggest heartbreak I've ever experienced, including finally getting that not only does Mom not love me all that much, also she'd laid careful plans to prevent my success at all costs.  She still doesn't like me, but she officially needs me more than I need her.  Grandma said it would happen.  My goal is to repay evil with good, and I'm getting there, a little closer every day.

I've always been a resilient sort.  I'm also kinda cute when I'm seething.  Even if you don't really love me, I enjoy Italian.  Even come dressed to match the tableware.

HAD I KNOWN ALL THE HAIR IN FRONT WOULD BREAK TO HALF AN INCH, I'd have looked even angrier, certainly.  I thought the stylist had done me a solid.  Today I have bangs.  I did not ask for bangs.  But, flax seeds will grow it back, and in a year or two, all my hair will be the same length again. So I get sympathy from no one.  See, I have no desire to go natural, say what you please.  Frizzy, crazy hair was NOT IN STYLE when I had it, so pardon me if I prefer the sodium hydroxide.  I'd dyed my hair purple, trying to feel better, but the previous time, I had not bleached it first.  I was seriously in a tizzy.  Nothing in my life was to my liking. (Not much has changed--just my attitude toward things, yo.)

Nothing like a night job to rob you of your cute.  My baby son always takes pictures that make me look loved, and I really appreciate that.  My sleep cycles will be out of whack for a long, long time.  I am grateful to have gotten back into the work world, but a $76 paycheck...makes you look limp and lifeless.

I haven't lost my ability to smile.  I've always been willing to smile, even with the misalignment I've been saddled with for a lifetime.  I won't ever stop searching for something to smile about, no matter what is going on at any given moment.  I have not stopped believing in me.  I've learned to have more faith in myself.  I am grateful to be in good health, and I won't let circumstances rob me of that.  Sometimes its tough to stay upbeat; even harder to stay focused, but I will never give up striving for a better life.  My counselor asked me what I wanted most from life, and my response genuinely shocked him:

"Peace of mind."

"No one's ever told me that," he said.  "I've heard all kinds of stuff, but never anything just that simple."

"Well," I asked him, "Doesn't peace of mind encompass all the things people think they want--comfort, stability, financial security, solid relationships?"

"Yes, of course," he responded.  "But most people come to me because they don't get that."

I get it.  I want it.  I'll have it.

Thanks for taking the time to read this blog.