"IT'S ME AGAIN, AND I'M BACK."

I THOUGHT I LOOKED BAD IN THIS PICTURE.  Didn't like my skin, my hair; thought I was wrinkled.

Well.

I look a lot more tired and stressed out now, I think.  I was talking to a new friend of mine about starting an online magazine.  Then I remembered blogspot.  Then I remembered #friendsofmalachimaxwellglass.

I have to say, the previous post is a gut-wrenching read.  No wonder I'm looking sadder.  I'm feeling wiser, without a doubt.  As much as I'd been through when I took that selphy with my brand new phone, there was plenty more to come.  More heartache, more disappointment, more persevering.

I really grieved the loss of my dog.  It was raining, and I'd made her stay outside, to please someone who was never there.  The toll it took is clear to me in this picture.  You never know when a decision is really a bad one when you are making it.  Everyone has to get older, but the unhappiness that has settled into my countenance is unacceptable to me.  The dogs I have now are deeply loved, but I never will stop missing my Lily.  I don't think of her every day anymore, just most days.

And then there is what happens when you are forced to realize that you are doing all the heavy lifting in a relationship.  You're in love all by yourself!  It was the biggest heartbreak I've ever experienced, including finally getting that not only does Mom not love me all that much, also she'd laid careful plans to prevent my success at all costs.  She still doesn't like me, but she officially needs me more than I need her.  Grandma said it would happen.  My goal is to repay evil with good, and I'm getting there, a little closer every day.

I've always been a resilient sort.  I'm also kinda cute when I'm seething.  Even if you don't really love me, I enjoy Italian.  Even come dressed to match the tableware.

HAD I KNOWN ALL THE HAIR IN FRONT WOULD BREAK TO HALF AN INCH, I'd have looked even angrier, certainly.  I thought the stylist had done me a solid.  Today I have bangs.  I did not ask for bangs.  But, flax seeds will grow it back, and in a year or two, all my hair will be the same length again. So I get sympathy from no one.  See, I have no desire to go natural, say what you please.  Frizzy, crazy hair was NOT IN STYLE when I had it, so pardon me if I prefer the sodium hydroxide.  I'd dyed my hair purple, trying to feel better, but the previous time, I had not bleached it first.  I was seriously in a tizzy.  Nothing in my life was to my liking. (Not much has changed--just my attitude toward things, yo.)

Nothing like a night job to rob you of your cute.  My baby son always takes pictures that make me look loved, and I really appreciate that.  My sleep cycles will be out of whack for a long, long time.  I am grateful to have gotten back into the work world, but a $76 paycheck...makes you look limp and lifeless.

I haven't lost my ability to smile.  I've always been willing to smile, even with the misalignment I've been saddled with for a lifetime.  I won't ever stop searching for something to smile about, no matter what is going on at any given moment.  I have not stopped believing in me.  I've learned to have more faith in myself.  I am grateful to be in good health, and I won't let circumstances rob me of that.  Sometimes its tough to stay upbeat; even harder to stay focused, but I will never give up striving for a better life.  My counselor asked me what I wanted most from life, and my response genuinely shocked him:

"Peace of mind."

"No one's ever told me that," he said.  "I've heard all kinds of stuff, but never anything just that simple."

"Well," I asked him, "Doesn't peace of mind encompass all the things people think they want--comfort, stability, financial security, solid relationships?"

"Yes, of course," he responded.  "But most people come to me because they don't get that."

I get it.  I want it.  I'll have it.

Thanks for taking the time to read this blog.

A Brand-New Bittersweet Season

Things change.  People change. Seasons change.  

That's an old Wilson-Phillips lyric, and it haunts me as I write this.

(actually, a one-hit wonder by Expose', but it may as well be Wilson-Phillips.)


Malachi did not go with +People to People Student Travel .  They are still holding a place for him.

So much has changed, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot help but feel a failure because he did not fulfill the commitment he made.  I'm looking hard for the lesson, and when I think about it too much, I become impotent with frustration and resentment.

I don't spend too much time with those two emotions, and it is preventing me from taking the lessons I need from this spectacular disappointment.


My beloved Lily is gone.  Gone forever, and I was silent on this platform, bereft and mute with grief and loss.  I've lost many people and circumstances in my life, but this one ranks right up there.

I still dig being me, and even I have to give me credit for a special kind of resilience.

 I still have dreams, plans, and goals for the future, and you all still want to hear what I've got to say.

It's hard to believe people still come by to read this blog, after I left it to languish for so long.  I'm grateful.  Better yet, I'm hopeful.

 Seasons change, leaving nothing but memories.

If we are wise, we learn from the bitter, and retain the taste of sweetness as much as we can.

Malachi has changed.  He works.  He dates.

He grew a mustache.

I'm still there for him, but things are not the same.  I saw an audience of women respond to the question,

"Do you put yourself first or last in relation to your family?"

I was shocked to discover that I now inhabit a minority.

Moms, wives, daughters, and women in general now think it's normal to put themselves first.

I need time to think about that.  Stay tuned for what it means for Malachi.


Thanks for taking the time to read this blog.  I think I'll keep it for Malachi's future.

FAILURE: Everyone Talks About It, But No One Can DO Anything About It.

I was wondering how long it would be before I could bring myself back to this blog.  Look at that face.  There's some guilt there.  Some maturity, maybe.  Our relationship is not the same, and it never will be.  I only tell Malachi things once now.  If he falls on his face, I only reach out a helping hand if he asks for one.  I am willing to let him wallow.  I am willing to watch him fail.  I permit him to walk around needing help and too proud to request it, and it's not that hard on me, either.

Welcome to adulthood, Malachi, where even your own mamma will leave you to the consequences of your actions if you become sufficiently unappreciative and self-absorbed.

I need a vacation.  All this sacrificing has turned me into a whiny, blaming, hostile BORE, and I don't like it.  It's ME TIME now, and I hope I have not alienated many.

Malachi is still a good kid.  He got a job, and I know part of the reason his heart was not in going to Europe this past summer is because he did not want to leave me and his brother in our current situation.  I am still despondent though, because I couldn't make him realize that his breakthrough was going to be the door I walked through after he'd had his once-in-a-lifetime adventure.  I wanted to know that I could pull this off for him, and plant my flag as a bona fide social media influencer.  I gave it my best, and now I'll be giving my best to my own endeavors--though I'll be available to this child of mine for help whenever he needs me.  He may have to wait, communicate, delegate, or MARINATE, but I'm still there for him.

Thanks for taking the time to read this blog.

In Malachi's Own Words...Priceless!

DESTINY AWAITS!
Timeless
Timeless. Just like music, my experiences in Europe will last forever. Music is a part of me, and when I am without it or not involved in creating it, I feel like a part of me is missing. I always want to find a way to incorporate music into what I do, because it gives me a sense of comfort. When I go to Europe I plan to take music with me, so I have to start here. Envisioning myself in Europe while creating music always gives a different feel to my music. It comes out sounding nothing like anything I've created in the past few weeks. A lot of the time my music gets created on "accident". I find myself like random tinkling on the keys as I start a new project. This beat, duly entitled "Timeless" happened just that way. Sitting in front of the computer with my fingers on the keyboard, I tinkled a melody and then a cord, and stumbled upon something I liked. After that, there was no looking back, as everything I added to the chords seemed to fit perfectly. Music is a part of me, so it will go where I go. To school, to practice, and even across seas to a country I have never been before, where the experiences will be timeless.
#FriendsofMalachiMaxwellGlass
Timeless

"DON'T MAKE ME COME IN THERE."

I was in kindergarten when this picture was taken.  It's one of the very few of me that I like.  I wish I could be inside that child's head again, just for a moment.  I need to recall what it's like to live without the kind of soul-numbing discouragement I face every day.  I came onto G+ for my son, whose capacity for discouragement and disappointment falls far short of his mother's.  Maybe that's the metaphysical trade-off that comes with being popular and making friends easily.  Neither of these things was true of me when I was in school.  I'm still not really sure who likes me at any given moment.  That's why I figured I'd better learn to enjoy my own company a looooong time ago.  Now I'm at the point where I don't need everyone to be my friend, or to be liked all the time.  I just really, really want to be a part of something positive.  I thought helping my son get to Europe with People to People was gonna be the thing. But no.  No.  The boy is churlishly certain that he should just give up NOW and avoid the rush.  His brother came in here just now, bowed his head and asked God to PLEASE help his brother "quit whining his way to Europe!"  Made me feel somewhat better.  I told you all that I was going to ride herd on my son who makes commitments and then just abandons them.  I DO NOT RAISE QUITTERS.  He can fail all he likes, but you don't put me on this kind of mission for you and then casually indicate you can't be bothered.  He doesn't realize I'm gonna make him write a post EVERY DAY for the next month.  He damn well better improve from today's offering, believe it.

The journey between these two pictures was not an easy one. It had its share of disillusionment and disappointment.    I wanted to
join "Up With People" the year this was taken.  Some girls made sure I overheard them laughing at me while I was speaking with a member of the troupe, and I let their ridicule keep me from a life-changing adventure. "Don't let them do this," the Dutch kid said, with real feeling. They pushed harder, teased louder, and I gave up on the spot. I can still see the glow fading from his face when he realized what was happening. Why did they bother? I didn't even know them.  I can't get that opportunity back.

I had no cheerleader at home. ("Go outside with that violin. You can practice out there. Your sister can't hear the television.") I recall becoming very still.  "You really think I'm going to stand outside and practice the violin."  It wasn't a question. My mom made this little choking sound that still sounds like suppressed laughter in my memory. It's not good to see your mom smirk your dreams. It is what it is. I'm all right.  I thought this would be different. I thought what I could do now is knuckle down with Malachi and get this done for him.  I told him, "The only thing better than me getting to go to Europe is you getting to go," and I meant it.  Every time I asked that boy if he wanted to go abroad he said yes until the day before yesterday.  I want to jump on him.

I find this picture of me with the violin really hard to look at. Those loose bowstrings anger me.  Every bow on the wall in that store is strung too loosely to work properly.  Maybe it's to make you think you need lessons.  I don't like it because I'm not as young as I used to be, although I'm looking pretty good for my age.  I don't like it because that is as happy as I've been in a long, long time.  I see a bit of the sparkle in my eye, and that's good.  The joy of living has been on hiatus for me for a while now, however.  I don't see the sweet spirit that shines from the child's and the teenager's eyes anymore.  When I look at pictures of me now, all I see is someone whose eyes look tired and sad.

No matter what, I won't give up.  The next month is gonna be an ugly one around here, because I don't tolerate quitting.  Fail, get knocked down, fall apart, do what you have to, but don't quit.

Thanks for taking the time to read this blog.
#FriendsofMalachiMaxwellGlass

BLOOD FROM A TURNIP: SEE IT HERE.

Life is an endeavor. Determination is a trait most all people want but not all people have. with any task or difficulty that is thrown in your way in life determination to overcome it is a must. That kind of determination is the same determination that i must have if i am to be successful in going to Europe. Unfortunately, at this moment, i do not have that determination. I wish that i did. But when life sets in front of you continuous let downs and setbacks, it's hard to have determination when you face a strenuous task. it has been hard for me to muster up the will to even want to go in the last few weeks. I just do not see it coming forth. With that said I have to find the will somewhere within me, wherever it may be.

Because I Said So.

Malachi is GOING to Europe next summer.  He's discouraged, but I'm not.  He may not like me very much for the next few months, but he'll thank me later in life, Lord willing.

If you want things, you have to work for them.  You have to sacrifice.  You have to take chances.  There are risks; risk of failure, risk of disappointment, risk of distraction.  Risk can paralyze you with fear or galvanize you into action.  It's up to you.  I've been known to start things with a big fanfare, and then get discouraged, distracted, disoriented.  Not this time.  Today is January 31.  This is the last day Malachi gets to lollygag.  He doesn't get to fail.  He doesn't get to quit.  He doesn't have to like me.  I am not Malachi's friend.  I'm his mother, and I am not letting him flake off on his commitment.  I haven't flaked off on mine.  You see fewer posts because it's not about me anymore.  I've done what I needed to do to prove I'm in it for the long haul.  90 days of blogging once a week or more without fail.  For the first 30 days I blogged every day.  It was easy, because I had plenty of angst to be shed.  I stuck my toe into the SEO pool and found it to my liking. I'm going back, so get out your sunblock.  A sizzling-hot day is about to dawn on you all.
But Malachi.

This blog has plenty of readers and no followers, but I'm not giving up on it.  I'm going to keep building it up.  I know it's going to help me get my son to Europe.  I haven't got much time, but I've got plenty of faith.  I've got to teach my son to keep the faith.  He needs to put in the work, so he can understand how to reach a goal that seems beyond his capability.  He's ready to let himself down, and ready to be angry with me for not permitting him to do it, but again, I am not this boy's friend. If I were his friend, I might tease him about wanting to go abroad.  If I were his friend, I might undermine his confidence every chance I got.  If I were his friend, I might tell him that he shouldn't be expecting his mom to raise that kind of money for a trip when so much other stuff is called for.  It's a good thing I am not his friend.  He would never accomplish anything with me reassuring him that mediocrity and the status quo are all he should hope for.

Malachi is a fine son and a strong person.  Our Lily got into a bad scrap and was bleeding profusely from the healed wound you see there.  Malachi is the one who kept her from bleeding to death at 10 pm on a Thursday night, and she hasn't forgotten it.  Nor have I.  He kept calm and packed the wound with cobwebs to stop the bleeding.  It worked.  He then bound her up with black electrical tape, which Miss Lillers removed herself three days later.  Nice work.  Now why doesn't this kid have more faith in himself?  I ran around and collected spiderwebs from behind the washer in the laundry room, but he calmly washed the puncture, packed and bound it.  Blood was everywhere.  His brother was caterwauling. I wasn't so good, either.  Malachi took charge and saved his friend's life.  Now, like Erica Jong, I've got to teach him how to save his own.

Something is going to break.  Opportunity will come.  Faith is not just for church.  It's for standing firm.  Not just against ideological bullies, but for standing up to your circumstances and changing them from sheer force of will.  Will begins with a transformation of mind and heart.  It is a refusal to accept defeat, rejection, and ridicule and continue to go hard for you goals.  Will looks beyond circumstances; past situations, through intrigues, and  across shifting tides of favor and locks on to its desire.  My desire is to show my kid that his dreams are worth having, and I will not be denied.

Thanks for taking the time to read this blog.
#FriendsofMalachiMaxwellGlass